1. |
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Good evening to you, I’m sure that you might
Be a little surprised by what you’ve come across tonight
Cause when you came in and saw there was a show
You bought a drink, sat down, thought you’d give it a go
Then a guy with a ukulele steps to the mic
Says that he’s a rapper – that don’t seem right
Cause he’s nice and polite, not much of a whinger
And have you ever seen an MC that’s Ginger?
So you listen to the words that’re spat, it’s like you’ve found the Ron Weasley of Rap
He’s a sore thumb stuck into a Blancmange – it’s a bit cool, but there’s definitely something wrong
A penguin in a jungle, An ice lolly in Hell
Like when they took Zack out of Saved By The Bell
A laptop in a Western, A kitten in a Zoo
A living anachronism come true
So forget whatever you were feeling
When you saw the man in front of you singing this song
Yes this is happening so join in with feeling
And feel free to sing along
It’s Edi, Edi, The Edi Johnston Bit
With a Ukulele some daft songs and occasional quips
Make you forget all of your problems and bad relationships
It’s Edi, Edi, The Edi Johnston Bit
People say to me “What exactly are you trying to achieve?”
“What are your opinions? What do you believe”
And I say “Well it depends on what you want to ask
Can you juggle pineapples? Can you multi-task?”
“Can you make me have a happier year?”
“Can you make Donald Trump disappear?”
“Can you make Christmas last forever?”
“Can you get Blazing Squad back together?”
I’m not sure, I’ll give it a shot, but you know it’s just me and a Ukulele that I’ve got?
I’m not sure you understand what this is
It’s just me and some words that are taking the mick
Yeah sure, I’d like to have worldwide peace
But I’d also like Bake Off back on the BBC
Everyone to have their own supply of cheese
A retirement home for all the worldwide bees
Just don’t leave things like that up to me
I’d just do something stupid I guess you’d agree
It’s just me, 4 strings and a song but even if I can’t change the world I can still write a decent singalong
It’s Edi, Edi, The Edi Johnston Bit
Now’s the time to clap along like I hadn’t just asked for it
Don’t look too close or you’ll destroy all of the magic
It’s Edi, Edi, The Edi Johnston Bit
It’s Edi, Edi, The Edi Johnston Bit
The greatest ever Ukulele Musical Comic
Yeah I know that’s laboured but sometimes the words just don’t fit
It’s Edi, Edi, The Edi Johnston Bit
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2. |
Rover
00:25
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Oh Rover, You never fetched a ball
Oh Rover, You never roll over or give me a paw
Oh Rover, I don’t want this little song to do you a disservice
but you’ve not been quite the same
Since you came back from the Taxidermist
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3. |
Didit
02:31
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Hello there and welcome to this song and it’s topic
Although once it’s started you’d prefer to stop it
Like a horror you’re glued to you can’t retreat
Like car crash viewing you can’t leave your seat
Like Corbyn in a Disco, Trump in a mankini
Delores Umbridge popping round for tea
Jimmy Carr’s laugh on a loop for all time
Non-stop repeats of Last of the Summer Wine
It’s a truth, a reality that dawns on us all
One we brush under the rug and try to ignore
But there’s no holding back you just need to admit
That once upon a time – Your parents did it
Yeah they did it, they did it, it’s simple and it’s true
But the evidence that they did it is standing in your shoes
Yeah they did it, they did it more than just one time
And now that mental image is firmly planted in your mind
Yeah I’ve tried to ignore it, tried to fight
But it’s like your Nan trying to play Fortnite
It’s engrained like a trench in the ground
I don’t want to cross it but there’s no way around
Once upon a time your Mum and Dad met
Whether love at first sight or to settle a bet
And although it might make your skin shudder
They definitely bumped uglies with each other
Knocked boots, got down, went all the way
No matter how you say it the meaning’s the same
I’m sorry to raise it and make you confront
The horror we all try to run from
Yeah they did it, they did it, and the proof of the pudding is you
Your parents did some smushing, and probably enjoyed it too
Yeah they did it, they did it but don’t look so repulsed
Cause everybody else’s folks did too, we’re all just the biological results
So take your hands of your ears, and open your eyes
It’s not like this should come as a massive surprise
You didn’t appear like some magician’s trick
Your mum just got too close to your dad’s… emotions
Yeah they did it, they did it, just face the facts and find
That mental image permanently scarred within your mind
Yeah they did it, they did it but here’s a thought in which to dwell
That because your parents did we know, your nan and grandad did as well
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4. |
Windows
00:59
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Calling up the IT guy can be a real pain
All he ever says is turn it Off and On again
Waiting for the buffer sign
Seems like its a waste of time
My old computer worked just fine
When I'm installing Windows
CTRL ALT DEL there's no going back
Even though the old version's cack
Told you I should have bought a Mac
When I'm installing Windows
Every day it seems my system's got a brand new glitch
Stress is rising so high I'd like to chuck it in a ditch
It's loading up so feet up now did I forget to backup somehow
Hope my life's stored in the cloud
When I'm installing Windows
I know that if it had been me I'd have deleted my history
Cause if you can see what I can see when I'm installing Windows
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5. |
A Magical Place
03:07
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6. |
Dinosaurs
00:30
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I’m fond of a Diplodocus, Brontasauruses they’re quite cool,
Triceratops and Anklysaurus they have their fans too,
But the greatest of the Dinosaurs, the TRex is my fave,
So let’s give them a round of applause…’cause they can’t do that themselves.
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7. |
Taste of You
01:25
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The club isn’t the best place to find pudding
So back home is where I go
Me and my friends we want different things
They want hard drugs, I want Swiss Roll
So I step out the door, head starts spinning
Thinking of what I might scoff now
Head on home with my girl in tow
Imagining what we might trough
And I’m singing – Girl I want some Battenburg
Or a Victoria sponge with a lovely cup of tea
Come and have cake with me, come and have cake with me
What about a Walnut loaf, or a bit of cheesecake
Maybe a fondant fancy
Come and have cake with me
Come and have cake with me
I’m in love with the taste of you
I’m coming round like a doughnut do
Although my heart rate is racing too
I’m in love with you cakey
And last night you were in my room
And now my bedsheets smell like you
Even though there’s crumbs every time I chew
I’m in love with you cakey
I’m in love with you cakey
I wanna live in a bakery
Even though I might have diabetes type 2
I’m in love with the taste of you
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8. |
Kids in Kitchens
00:11
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Don’t use the same knife for the butter,
that you just used for the Marmite…
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9. |
Ginger Pride
02:46
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We’re all part of a brotherhood, a family,
tighter than Ron, Harry & Hermione
I share my interests and hopes with you all,
but when it comes to true bonding that’s relatively small
I feel a kinship, a real true affinity
to all those with their hair a bit orangey,
It’s not Strawberry Blonde – that’s for whingers,
What colour is my hair? It’s Ginger!!
Ginger, Ginger Pride it’s authentic, I’m not gonna dye it
Ginger, Ginger Pride I’m gonna stand up, not gonna hide it
Ginger, Ginger Pride I’m not ashamed I’m not gonna deny,
Ginger, Ginger Pride come on Carrot Tops hold your heads up high
There’s so many people worried bout minorities
About how we need to “alter our priorities”
But in my mind there’s not enough who stand
For flame haired fellers across the land
We’ve got Bianca, Chris Evans & Geri
Girls Aloud have got one, I’ve seen her on the telly
Everywhere across the country people stare
But there’s nothing wrong with me – it’s just Ginger Hair
Like a leaf when it’s dropped in the autumn
Like a pie with it’s flaky golden crust
Like a fire when it’s down to it’s embers
Like my car cos it’s covered in rust
Ann Robinson, Boris Becker, Prince Harry they’re all a bit Ginger,
Rupert Grint, Lindsey Lohan, Charlie Dimmock – She’s definitely Ginger
Nicole Kidman, Ed Sheeran, Her from XFiles – (are they Ginger?)
Notice I said Ginger, not Strawberry Blonde – it’s flat out Ginger
Ginger, Ginger Pride it’s authentic, I’m not gonna dye it
Ginger, Ginger Pride I’m gonna stand up, not gonna hide it
Ginger, Ginger Pride I’m not ashamed I’m not gonna deny,
Ginger, Ginger Pride come on Carrot Tops hold your heads up high
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10. |
Writing on the Wall
01:45
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I see so much potential, so much heart and desire
You make the doubters believe again it's to you they all aspire
But how can I take you seriously with all your dreams and plans
Cause when you printed out your CV, you went and used Comic Sans
Comic Sans, Comic Sans
It’s not relaxed it’s insufferable
Comic Sans, Comic Sans
Your choice of font is floored
Comic Sans, Comic Sans
There’s really no defending it
It’s the typeface of those who would chant to build a wall
It’s a little bit silly but clear so people can see what it says
But people can also read in between lines and decide that you’re off of your head
It’s the font of the office joker, of cousins with webs on their hands
But if you needed more convincing, Dominic Cummings would use Comic Sans
Comic Sans, Comic Sans
Used by clowns and youthworkers
Comic Sans, Comic Sans
Only acceptable at primary schools
Comic Sans, Comic Sans
It’s not for coherent grown ups
So before Britain First recruit you find a different font to choose
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11. |
Breaking Bad
03:10
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There are times in my life when my life seems short
When everything piles up and I get myself caught
Up in my work, my life and my family
There’s so much to do and there’s not time for me
The world skips past like double dutch on a train
Feels like there’s no room inside my brain
That’s my excuse, it’s the only one I have
Cause I’ve never seen Breaking Bad
Anyone with me? Or am I on my own?
What about when I tell you I’ve never seen Game of Thrones
Dexter? Luther? Family Guy?
I can see your blood boil and your fury start to rise
I can see in your eyes but no need to pity
It also means I never watched Sex in the City
or Love Island or the Twilight trilogy
The horse has bolted there’s so much I’ll never see
I’ve never seen Breaking Bad but don’t judge me
I’ve never had time, I know you think I’m mad
It’s not just me, though that’s how it seems
I’ll never watch Breaking Bad
I’ve never seen it, I’ve never seen it
When it first aired I missed all the hype
Then the 2nd and 3rd series came and went
I’m too late to catch up I’m too far behind
All these classics have passed so fast then
The next one shows up people say is better than the last
But time slips by I don’t know where it goes
That’s why I never watched the Sopranos
Or Mad Men, 30 Rock or The Wire
I just don’t have the inherent desire
I’ve no room for more boxed sets in my head
Never seen The Night Manager or The Walking Dead
I could reel off lists of all the stuff I’ve missed
But I’ve not had chance… Oh you get the gist
I try to fit so much in the time I have
That’s why I’ve never seen Breaking Bad
I’ve never seen Breaking Bad but don’t judge me
I’ve never had time, I know you think I’m mad
It’s not just me, though that’s how it seems
I’ll never watch Breaking Bad
They say to me that it’s not too late
But that’s just the way it feels
Cos I’m too busy keeping up with Gotham
Parks & Rec and Agents of Shield
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12. |
Nitpick
03:02
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You're the one I need that makes me complete
You’re the Ant to my Dec, the Gravy to my Meat
I’ve got some grey hairs coming, put on a few pounds
But you don’t even blink, like the weeping angels are around
There are so many things I adore about you
Like the way that you love Michael Buble too
My feelings erupt, I can’t believe my luck
That you picked me up and took me out of my rut
I’m such a state but you don’t even care
There’s love within my heart
But I’m not sure that this will last too much longer
I wish I’d known right from the start
You put a spoon in the knife drawer, you must be out of your tiny mind
You put a spoon in the knife drawer, did you think I wouldn’t find it
Though I thought our love was right, you went and put a red sock in with the whites
You put a spoon in the knife drawer, to me that’s the end of the line
Everyone has quirks that make them unique
But a quirk’s not the same as sheer incompetency
I can’t comprehend what goes through your brain
It’s clearly the wrong section, but you do it again and again and again
If it was only that I’d ignore what you did
But then I went and put the empty milk back in the fridge
You squeeze the middle from the tube of toothpaste
And leave all of the DVDs out of their case
It’s such a state but you couldn’t care less
I can’t believe my eyes
You left the cheese out to crust on the side
But it’s too late to apologise
You put a spoon in the knife drawer, you must be out of your tiny mind
You put a spoon in the knife drawer, did you think I wouldn’t find it
Yeah, you brought me a cuppa for my thirst, but I know you put the milk in first
You put a spoon in the knife drawer, to me that’s the end of the line
You put a spoon in the knife drawer, you must be out of your tiny mind
You put a spoon in the knife drawer, did you think I wouldn’t find it
Yeah, I know I leave the seat up all the time but it’s nowhere near the same level of crime
You put a spoon in the knife drawer, to me that’s the end of the line
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13. |
Hands
00:14
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He can’t peel a Banana,
Struggles to open envelopes,
Can’t even do up his flies,
He’s got Lobster Claws instead of hands.
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14. |
Jaffa
03:17
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Gotta be decisive. Gotta be one thing or another
There’s gotta be no misunderstanding, it’s an answer yet to be discovered
One of lifes great mysteries like who built Stonehenge or the Pyramids
I’ve got a question for the ages – just who calls a Jaffa Cake a biscuit?
Cause if you do, I’m not sure I’ve got time for you, cause it seems an unquestionable truth
The Jaffa is a cake, it says it in the name
It’s open and shut, case closed simple and plain
But if it was just that it’d be an easy win
Except people keep putting them in a biscuit tin
There’d be no more need for people to debate
So tell me is the humble Jaffa truly a cake?
Is it a biscuit or a cake?
Is it a cake or a biscuit?
Whereabouts should it be kept?
Oh Jaffa Cake tell me where you fit?
Is it a cake or a biscuit?
Is it a biscuit or a cake?
So why’s it on the biscuit shelf then?
Easy – it’s been put there by mistake.
Yes the Jaffa, it’s a National Icon
But I always get the feeling that its categorised wrong
Choccy on top, and orange in the middle
But a cake or a biscuit? Its still a riddle
The spongey base is the crux of the matter
Like Alice’s tea party to the Mad Hatter
It’s a question that’s awkward and tricky
Just what makes the Jaffa Cake a biccy?
Cause anyone who thinks that has been duped
You’re daft, an idiot, your brain’s been fooled
It’s a mystery for Sherlock or Scooby Doo
Pick a side to fight you’ve got a point to prove
You realise the base is spongey and soft
Except when they’re abandoned and about to go off
“It’s a cake I tell you, it’s squidgey like a cake!”
Until it passes it’s best before date
Is it a biscuit or a cake?
Is it a cake or a biscuit?
You might say that you don’t care
But for some it’s important, I don’t want to risk it
Is it a cake or a biscuit?
Is it a biscuit or a cake?
It’s got to be the softer option
Cause if I dunk it, it’s likely to break
It’s a great big quandry, with a filling so orangey
It’s a decision that we all have to make
Is it a biscuit? Or do you consider it to be a cake?
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15. |
Haiku
00:19
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When writing songs,
Bout Haikus,
Don’t forget to count the Syll…
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16. |
I'm Way Cooler Than You
02:38
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You can tell from my swag and tell from my style
I’ve been cooler than you since I was a little child
You can highlight all the cool things you’ve done if you like
But then I’m cruising blindfold no handed on my bike
You can see it in the way people whisper when I pass
You can see it when the ladies are checking out my…. coat
You can see it in their eyes when I enter the place
I’m cooler than a penguin with an ice cream in his face
I’m way cooler than you
There’s no doubt
I’m way cooler than you
I worked it out
I’m way cooler than you
Don’t be a hater
I worked it all out on my calculator
I know that I’m the bomb and I know that I’m a G
I know that so many people are looking up to me
I can see the envy every time I step up to play
People thinking “maybe I could do that some day?!”
Well simmer down, I’m not sure you’ve got what it takes
To be as cool as this or to play so great
Do you think you can strum? Think you can sing?
Maybe so – but can you do it when you’re a Ging(er)
I’m way cooler than you
There’s no comparison
I’m way cooler than you
Like a Ginger George Harrison
I’m way cooler than you
I’m just far too awesome
I found it out on the internet forum
I’m ginger – that’s cool
I got a ukulele – that’s cool too
I drive a Micra – it’s cool to park
I drink tea – just don’t make it too dark
I love cricket – summertime cool
I’m not fond of Maths – too cool for school
I read comics – with cool hero powers
I like Monopoly – it’s cool for hours + hours + hours (Boardgame cool)
I’m way cooler than you
It’s not up for debate
I’m way cooler than you
Like being fashionably late
I’m way cooler than you
That’s how we do this
I’m way cooler than you
Like a ukulele playing Damien Lewis
I’m way cooler than you
There’s no doubt
I’m way cooler than you
I worked it out
I’m way cooler than you
Far more than those who came before me
Like an up to date Ginger George Formby
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17. |
Today Of All Days
03:17
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I’ve been waiting so long for this day to arrive
Waiting so long now it’s finally here
I can’t believe it now that it’s come around
Get out of bed with a spring in my step
Ever so nervous in anticipation
This should be the day my bad luck turns upside down
But wait, there’s a feeling I can’t seem to place
The world’s coming crashing down right around my face
There’s a spot on my nose and I just cannot squeeze it
A volcanic bulbous sore I can feel it
Pulsating there like a beacon in the night
A spot on my nose there’s no way I can hide it
There’s no type of concealer in all of mankind
It’s so unfair this zit’s gone and ruined my life
All I can think of are people’s reactions
I see in this mirror this throbbing reflection
I look like I’m leading Santa’s sleigh
There’s no way I can pop it just a blot like a stop light
Like an Amsterdam lady’s spotlight
I feel like I want to dig a hole and hide away
My life’s so unlucky it beggars belief
Looks like I’m Lenny Henry on Comic Relief
There’s a spot on my nose like a molten compression
It’s taking over my entire complexion
Why should this happen today of all days?
There’s a spot on my nose like a puss filled molehill
So epic Peter Jackson’s bought rights to the film
This pustule won’t bust so it’s just a carbuncle on my face
I can’t believe it’s all been ruined
Nothing in my life is simple
My future may well have been destroyed
Just from the appearance of this pimple
There’s a spot on my nose like a dartboard’s bullseye
I cannot wait for the whitehead to arrive
Then I’ll burst it and it will ooze with lava
There’s a spot on my nose I can’t wait ‘til it’s vanished
I only hope there’s no permanent damage
But until then I’ll just resort to wearing a balaclava
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18. |
Not A Joining In Song
03:34
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This is not a joining in song, it’s not a joining in song
It’s not a joining in song, so please don’t join in
I’ve not got time to teach you all the words
Or how to sing along with every single verse
Sometimes the temptation is too great
And all the lines seem served up on a plate
This is not one for you to sing and dance along
If you want that then wait for the Cheeky Song
Fingers on lips and sit on your hands
This one’s just for me and my one man band
This is not a joining in song, it’s not a joining in song
It’s not a joining in song, so please don’t join in
I know I like to keep things nice and chirpy
Fit into a genre described as quirky
But sometimes it gets to me
That nobody really takes me seriously
Sometimes I’d like people to listen intently
Focused like a Buckingham Palace sentry
But honestly it’s not even close to a maybe
Cause I stand on stage singing with my Ukulele
This is not a joining in song, it’s not a joining in song
It’s not a joining in song, so please don’t join in
This is just a song with a simple request
Just resist the temptation like when you diet for a wedding dress
Be like that bloke who’s a living statue
And shut up like we wish Katie Hopkins would do
I know I’m asking a lot from any fans
Like when “It’s Not Unusual” hits, and you don’t do the Carlton dance
So keep shtum when you’re hiding in an alley
Or like a minority at a KKK rally
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The Edi Johnston Bit Nottingham, UK
The Edi Johnston Bit is a Ukulele Playing Musical Comedian from the Midlands.
He writes all
kinds of songs (Long AND Short) from a middle-aged, Ginger, tea-drinking, comfortable shoe-wearing, sport following, hiphop loving rapper & singer/songwriter.
“He tore the roof off the place”
LaffaCake Comedy
“Songs from the everyday to the ridiculous. Just brilliant”
Harry & Chris
... more
The Edi Johnston Bit recommends:
One of the best bands in the world. If you've never seen them, you're missing out but their tunes are equally as ace. Horns, Guitars, Keys, Brilliant lyrics and songs about the wonder of life.
go to album
18/40: Wolk Music (For Children, Fascists and Grown-ups)
by Grant Sharkey
Double Bass playing troubadour who I met gigging and have made friends with. Grant is a deeply thought provoking writer with satire and sarcasm running through most of his lyrics.
go to album
Utter Baubles
by Plastic Jeezus
Songs by people who are better at writing funny songs on the ukulele than I am. Really. If you like my stuff, you'll love theirs. Having met them at the Musical Comedy Awards, I think they're brill!
go to albumIf you like The Edi Johnston Bit, you may also like:
In A Time Of Trouble A Wild Exultation
by Jaye Bartell
A stunning and sparse follow-up to last year's "Light Enough" from Brooklyn songwriter Jaye Bartell.
go to album
Speakeasy - Live 2016
by John Robins
Robins decided to release the recording of his 2016 comedy tour during the Covid-19 shutdown at the behest of fans.
go to album
Taylor Ham, Egg, And Cheese
by Chris Gethard
Comedian Chris Gethard’s hilarious new surprise album is devoted to the great state of New Jersey, and the great state of New Jersey alone.
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