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Eliz Cooke The Putin line... made me laugh out loud! Favorite track: RPS.
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credits

released September 16, 2016

Logo by Thomas Pawley
Doodlework by Alice Short
Photo by James Brocklehurst

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about

The Edi Johnston Bit Nottingham, UK

A Ukulele Playing Ginger Hiphop Comedian with a bunch of daft jokes and a notebook full of stupid songs to make you smirk and grin whatever the topic.

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Track Name: RPS
Sometimes I struggle, sometimes I'm perplexed over what choice to choose or what to choose next,
I'm vexed and expect an easy option to present itself but when it doesnt I try to find help,
How to make a decision and how to select the right path to follow or opinion to reject
I'm tempted to follow a popular sway but I've discovered there's a far better way,
A way to select, a way to decide whether I should run, or whether I should hide,
Do I take the right turn like Clyde or do I stay left like I'm on Wolfie Smith's side?
But I'm not Harvey Dent with a coin to flip or Chris Tarrant with a 50 / 50 split,
I'm not a referee with instant replay - Nah, there's a far better way...

Rock Paper Scissors - If you cant make a decision
Rock Paper Scissors - If you struggle with the strength of your convictions
There's an easy game to play, to work out what to do every day
Rock Paper Scissors - is the way

Trying to find the right topping for a Pizza? Thinking of whether to listen to the teacher? Naming a child Percival or Peter? Your hands decide what's meant to be
A fist for a stone like Jagger in his hey day, Flat of a hand like when your mum says "Wait", fingers like Churchill sideways in victory, it's as easy as 1-2-3
Am I getting married? Do I have more cake? Do I buy a new car or a rattlesnake?
Do I stay up late? Have another drink? This way stops you having to think
Politicians and presidents elect, you don't need to worry and you dont to fret,
If your policies seem shaky at best you can always rely on RPS

Rock Paper Scissors - If you cant make a decision
Rock Paper Scissors - If you struggle with the strength of your convictions
There's an easy game to play, to work out what to do every day
Rock Paper Scissors - is the way

Getting a doughnut or a sausage roll? Rock Paper Scissors
Getting a job or signing on the dole? Rock Paper Scissors
Want to make a bet but you're still having doubts? Rock Paper Scissors
Vladimir Putin's asked you out? Rock Paper Scissors
Sugar or none in my cup of tea? Rock Paper Scissors
Wanting to watch BBC Three? Rock Paper Scissors
Going to work or phoning in sick? Rock Paper Scissors
Thinking of voting for UKIP?........

Rock Paper Scissors - If you cant make a decision
Rock Paper Scissors - If you struggle with the strength of your convictions
There's an easy game to play, to work out what to do every day
Rock Paper Scissors - is the way
Track Name: Battle
I’m a “44” you’re just a “22” I can’t believe I’m wasting time battling you
Coz when it comes to competition I cannot be stopped or blocked it’s like I’m rocking a glock
You’ve not got a hope of beating me, that’s why I come strong with the heavy artillery
I’ve got the weapons I reckon are gonna deaden you, you’re heading into a danger zone you’re stepping through
I stand strong – reject my foes, I’m not gonna back down – stand toe to toe
Slip on my game face, own the space, I break pace to take praise I’m up with the greats
You can’t beat me, you haven’t got a hope, I take this serious, you’re a joke
You see me laughing? That’s coz you’ve got nothing... Check the end of my string I an’t bluffing!


BANG! Here comes the conker hitting hard, This is a battleground, this ain’t a schoolyard
BANG BANG! See the conker fall, you got a tiny Nut I got a wrecking ball!
BANG! Here comes the conker hitting hard, This is a battleground, this ain’t a schoolyard
BANG BANG! See the conker crack, mine’s the champ – I keep it in a Nutsack

Soak em in vinegar, Bake them in the oven, Varnishing the shell, you’re trying to discover
The secret – how do you get the perfect nut? What do I do to make my conker not erupt
It’s simple, just keep it like a science, experiment with size and shape, theory & appliance
Head down to the park or your local Rec, with a great big stick & start to inspect
The nuts that bunch as leaves start to fall, find the biggest on the branch of the “Chestnut de la Horse”
Then chuck your stick at it, grab quickly as it lands, But not too tight – you don’t want to prick your hands
Time to test it out, hold the thread tight, Set your opposition, get your target in your sights
Then swing in hard like a dodgem round a bend, But if it shatters, you Gots to start again!


BANG! Here comes the conker hitting hard, This is a battleground, this ain’t a schoolyard
BANG BANG! See yours crash land, I got your conkers in the palm of my hand
BANG! Here comes the conker hitting hard, This is a battleground, this ain’t a schoolyard
BANG BANG! See me swing in rough – Tell me how it feels when your nuts get crushed!

I beat the first Stone Cold like a stunner, I go to twos and double up my One’er
Take on a sixer, BANG that’s a winner..... Not bad for a beginner
Next the challenge from a Tenner’s at the mark, I smash him up like Jim the Anvil Neidhart
Eighteen’s my score and I’m yelling “Who’s Next?!” Heart in my mouth as the Top Boy steps
He’s got a 26er on his cord, My hand starts to shake as the crowd starts to roar
He takes a swing, we tangle up strings, the I take aim – FIRE & see his nut cracking
One more shot, I reckon his’ll break, He misses mine and the frown shows his mistake
I take my chance and smash him once more
I’m the champ and his nuts are all over the floor!!...

BANG! Here comes the conker hitting hard, This is a battleground, this ain’t a schoolyard
BANG BANG! See the conker fall, you got a tiny Nut I got a wrecking ball!
BANG! Here comes the conker hitting hard, This is a battleground, this ain’t a schoolyard
BANG BANG! See the conker crack, mine’s the champ – I keep it in a Nutsack
Track Name: Syrup
I first saw you on my TV, strangest haircut that I’d ever seen
Like Candyfloss cut by a barber, more logic defying than Carlos Valderrama’s
So tell me America, how can you trust a man if you can’t trust his word
How can you relate to a guy who says he’s honest but his hairline’s that absurd.

Oh Mr Trump what’s that on top of your head? I think I saw it moving, are you sure that it’s dead?
You seem to have attracted some kind of cat and it’s asleep on top of your noggin..

You sit at your desk on your show, and pick on D Listers that no one knows
They take your flack and ignore your flannel, but no one seems to mention on your head there’s a mammal
You can’t be trusted cos you wear a wig, so come on America it’s time to really think,
Do you want a man with his finger on the button who looks like he’s got a dead fox for a quiff

Oh Mr Trump what’s that on top of your head? I think I saw it moving, are you sure that it’s dead?
You seem to have attracted some kind of cat and it’s asleep on top of your noggin..

You say that Muslims are all terrorists, and Mexicans should be kicked out,
You’ve offended almost everyone you’ve met, bulldozing your way to the White House
They say never trust a man with a beard cos it’s hiding something from your face
So how can the land of the free and the brave elect a bloke who looks like his hair came from outer space?

Oh Mr Trump what’s that on top of your head? I think I saw it moving, are you sure that it’s dead?
You seem to have attracted some kind of cat and it’s asleep on top of your noggin..
Track Name: Cuppa Tea Song
I need a Cuppa, I need a cuppa nightly
That’s what my Grandpa said kept him sprightly
I need a cuppa, any cuppa’ll do
PG, Tetley or even Typhoo
But don’t try to give me that Dahjeeling
I don’t find it particularly appealing
I just want to keep it quite simplistic
And top it off with a nice Choccy Biscuit

Do you want some? Tell me do you want some?
Do you want some? Tell me do you want some?
Do you want some? Tell me do you want some?
Do you want a cuppa too?

Hands Up if you fancy a Cuppa
Hands Up if you fancy a Cuppa
Hands Up if you fancy a Cuppa
Hands Up if you fancy a Brew
Hands Up if you fancy a Cuppa
Hands Up if you fancy a Cuppa
Hands Up if you fancy a Cuppa
One lump or Two?!

Throw in the bag, add water and stir
Stick in the milk and some sugar if you prefer
We all have our own ways to take it
But the Jury’s still out over the best way to make it
Like Rakim it’s the greatest of all time
Toffee coloured nectar now immortalised in rhyme
Hip hop with a cuppa’s what I love the most...
But don’t forget to use a coaster!


BRIDGE
I need a cuppa, cuppa, cuppa that’s what I need
And if I stick on that kettle won’t you make a cuppa for me
Track Name: Own Goal
I envy all your bedsheets, your pillows & duvet too,
At night you lie in comfort and sleep the whole night through
I’d love to know your secret to staying so serene
When all around you crumbles down, you mix with aristocracy
Your days are bright and glorious, positivity’s a must
And thoughts of impropriety are brushed away like dust
You have the airs & graces to dismiss the critics whole
But decisions made just tell the tale, your careers a huge own goal

So here’s to you Sepp Blatter, can’t believe your conscience is clear
You’ve been the head of Football for about a thousand years
So here’s to you Sepp Blatter, to me it seems absurd
That you’re the best man to run FIFA out of everyone in the world!

Luis Figo would be better or Platini at a push
Robbie Savage might make more sense, but then again my Goldfish would
Qatar’s simply delightful in July or June
But now it seems you’ve changed your mind, we’ll be chanting Christmas tunes
Every TV & radio station, Internet & Papers too
Have proclaimed the lack of sense for the World Cup in 2022
But still you have the top spot, a position you’ll retain
Despite the fact that stadium workers are dying every day

So here’s to you Sepp Blatter, can’t believe you’re still around
You’ve less popular than El Hadji Djiouff, that’s something well profound
So here’s to you Sepp Blatter, you crooked FIFA disgrace
It’s a shame I’ll never meet you, I’d like to punch you in your face!